Confession
by Zenaphobia
Summary: Songfic to Matchbox 20's 'If You're Gone'. A monologue by Spike to Buffy. Set around S7, mentioning events in other seasons. Plz R/R. 1st posted Mar19,03


* NOTE * Same story on different ff.net account. See my profile.   
  
* SUMMARY * Another song fic..I know, I suck. Can't ever write without inspiration. Spike's POV..I'd like to call it the voice unheard, the things unsaid...ie soliloquy style. It's directed to Buffy. You got that rihgt, Spuffy's all I write! Plz R/R   
  
* DISCLAIMER * Don't Own Anything. So don't sue. BtVS belongs to Joss & Co, and the song belongs to Matchbox 20.  
  
  
  
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CONFESSION  
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I tried to rape you. I dreamed of killing you. There's nothing I did to you that doesn't deserve a stake in my heart. After that night...   
  
_I think I've already lost you  
I think you're already gone  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak, but I think you're wrong_   
  
...So I decide to leave, to go get what you deserve. I come back in a mess, hide myself in the school basement, sober. Then you find me. You see me in my mess, thinking that I've gone completely crazy. Then you turn away...   
  
_I think you're already leaving  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
I thought this place was an empire  
But now I'm relaxed  
I can't be sure  
  
_ ...Am I really relaxed? What is ever sure? They are talking to me, saying this and telling me that. Beginning. Darkness. Power. Dru is here. You're here. Guess this place IS an empire after all. If I leave here, you will leave me. I know it well, you will leave...   
  
_I think you're so mean, I think we should try_   
  
...Try what? You will not forgive me for what I've done. I'm beneath you, you say. You will not care to see inside of me, see the spark...   
  
_I think I could need this in my life_   
  
...Yet maybe I don't. No soul, no remorse. Life was better then, when I wasn't really living...   
  
_I think I'm scared, I think too much  
I know this is wrong_   
  
...Wrong about having my soul back? Wrong about falling for you? What is really wrong? Is it the demon in me, or the man in me that needs killing? It burns, the spark, it burns...   
  
_It's a problem I'm dealing_   
  
...Dealing is hard. Yet I know I have to try. I put on my costume, my mask. I come back to you. I should never have done that. I have had lots of options, but why have I chosen this one? The life with you in it...   
  
_ If you're gone, maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move_   
  
...I'm trapped. Trapped by your beauty, your strength, your power...   
  
_If you're gone, baby you need to come home  
Coz there's a little bit of something me in everything in you_   
  
...Dru is right, I'm all covered with you. You're always here floating all around me, laughing...   
  
_I bet you're hard to get over  
I bet the room just won't shine  
I bet my hands I can stay here  
I bet you need more than you mind_   
  
...You never tell, but I can see your pain. There's struggle. There's hurting. There's exhaustion. You need to rest, and I want to be your pillow. Then what do you do? Stomp me, use me, throw me out when you're done with me...   
  
_I think you're so mean, I think we should try  
I think I could need this in my life_   
  
...No I don't need this humiliation. I had the chance to let go of all this. I had the chance to kill you, many times. Why can't I kill you? Why...   
  
_I think I'm just scared that I know too much  
I can't relate and that's a problem  
I'm feeling_   
  
...Damn humanity. Like the Judge says, I stink of it. Love, passion, jealousy. Like that's not enough. I have to go get myself a soul, one that burns...   
  
_If you're gone, maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room_   
  
...Somewhere, somewhere out there, somewhere without you...   
  
_But I can hardly move if you're gone_   
  
...You're the reason I hang around. You're the one who tells me not to leave...   
  
_Baby you need to come home_   
  
...Somewhere, somewhere you can rest, somewhere you'll be loved...   
  
_Coz there's a little bit of something me in everything in you_   
  
...You're the reason I put myself in agony. You're the one who triggers the stabbing pain in my new soul...   
  
_I think you're so mean, I think we should try  
I think I could need this in my life  
I think I'm just scared  
Do I talk too much?  
  
_ ...No more talking. No more mind games, no more mind. Right, I'm not flesh, I'm not flesh to you...   
  
_I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing_   
  
...But girl doesn't want to be serviced. I service the girl, girl leaves...   
  
_If you're gone_   
  
...There'll be no more pain, no more torture. There'll be no more meaning, no more life...   
  
_Maybe it's time to come home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move_   
  
...I didn't have my soul and you didn't like it. I have my soul and you don't like it. What is my move? You say you want the Spike who's dangerous, then I'll be dangerous for you. You say you're not ready for me to not be here, then I'll be here for you...   
  
_If you're gone, hell, baby you need to come home  
There's a little bit of something me in everything in you._   
  
...Can I ever be a good man? Be your good man? I'll be what you want me to be. I'll be your willing slave, for crying out loud. But can you see it? Can you feel it? Will you ever know it? Love's a funny thing... 


End file.
